Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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