I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
