Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
bring money and cleavage
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
