If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
