We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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