Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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