just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
