I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
