New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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