Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
