You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
