I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
