Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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