If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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