we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
