My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
