mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
