He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
