i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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