I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
