and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
