Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
