Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
