I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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