I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
