I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
