The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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