Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
