My liver just broke up with me...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's on the porch naked. Help.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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