its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
