I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
