the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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