Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
