Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
