Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
