so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
