my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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