Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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