Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
