My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
