my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
