I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
