I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
