I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
