Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
