I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
