No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
