he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
