i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was born a porn star she said
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
