watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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